Grown-up Girlfriends Chapter 12 and 13

Hello everyone ~

How is everybody's week going? Mine had been pretty hectic lately with car problems and trouble getting splints made for my hands. This process has been months in the making, ever since I got my first round of Botox. Unfortunately, though, it keeps getting passed on from doctor to doctor because they're not really sure what they want. Not that I'm complaining, I am definitely not looking forward to wearing them both day and night. But I guess that's the only way my arms will see changes in the long run.

Today I will be concluding my series on Grown-Up Girlfriends. I hope through my notes during this series my readers have learned to value the relationships that God puts in our lives. I have certainly learned a lot about myself as well as the importance of Christian friendships in my life. The final two chapters focus on the importance of learning through this process and growing up in response.I would love to hear how and if the series impacted you.

Notes on Chapter 12- A Grown-Up Girlfriend Passes On What She Knows
1. Make Yourself Available- if the opportunity arises, be ready and willing to share your experiences
2. Spreading Your Wings- allow yourself to grow from experiences and develop your own convictions about friendships. Every person is different and takes different perspectives on any given situation.
3. Deuteronomy 6:7
4. Remember To Pray for The Females In Your Life- a prayer could be as simple as the one given on page 199

"Lord, please help my daughter [or niece or any young lady] have with some when selecting girlfriends. Please bring girls into her life who love you, most importantly, but who also make good choices in life. Protect her from harm and bless her abundantly with healthy friendships. Amen".

Notes for The Final chapter: Chapter 13- The Grown-Up Friendship Requires Us to Grow Up
1. Too Often We Want to Be Comfortable, but Becoming a Grown-Up Requires Change and Growth
2. "God will provide what is needed for this change throughout the journey- if we choose to follow him" (page 209)
3. The Goal of Growing Up - Ephesians 4:14-16, taken from The Message
It says in part, "God wants us to grow up, to know the truth and tell it in love- like Christ and everything."
4. Qualities of A Grown-Up Girlfriend- to encourage, give hope, and provide a Christ- like example to those around us
5. Growing up is a choice we have to make
6. Signs That You Are a Grown-Up Friend- (page 216)- Accept rather than judge, express your feelings and expect friends to do the same, take responsibility for your own feelings; however, never lay guilt trips on your friend for how you feel, show empathy and compassion and true understanding for your friend.

Since the series is over, I am beginning to wonder where to go from here. I know a while back I had talked about doing a review of Patrick Henry's new book, I Am Potential. But I would like to hear from you, what would you like to see done with this blog? Any feedback readers provide me with is greatly appreciated. I look forward to hearing from you all,

Sincerely,
Debbie

Grown-up Girlfriends Chapter 11

Okay,

So I am about done with reading my book on maintaining friendships with a Christian perspective. Through it all, I have learned a lot about myself and to cherish every friendship for what it is-a gift of God. I hope my notes on the book have helped you as much as they have helped me..

Chapter 11 Notes-A Grown-Up Friend Reaches Out in Crisis
1. A crisis builds endurance-James 1:2-4
2. a introvert and extrovert can act differently to a crisis
3. introverts may need time to reflect on their situation before reaching out (page 178)
4. You need to know when to ask for help, sometimes this is difficult for people (page 179)
5. Know Your Own Responses to a Crisis (page 180)
6. Ask Yourself is your relationship a safe place to fall for your friend?
7. Never Give up Hope on your situation or your friends

Finishing up Grown-Up Girlfriends, Chapter 10

Hey Guys~

For today, I have decided to continue my Grown-Up Girlfriends series.. Since there are only a few chapters left, I hope to finish up the series by the end of the week. If you have enjoyed this series, I hope you will let me know. I found the book very enlightening myself and I've learned a lot. The following notes are on chapter 10 of the book; this chapter focuses on knowing when to let go of a friendship. Letting go is a difficult process, but sometimes a necessary one. Especially when the friendship becomes a bad influence or seems to be over.

Chapter 10 Notes for Grown-Up Girlfriends

1. A grown-up girlfriend knows when to let go
2. Possible Reasons Why a Friendship Has Ended

• Betrayal /loss of trust
• Growing apart
  There are two reasons why this can happen:this can be regained if both parties acknowledge the distance and want to change things
  The "Different Friends for Different Seasons Of Life" philosophy
• Moving away

3.Dealing with the loss of a Friendship

• Acknowledge and accept the grief
• Allow God to help you through it
• "It gives us an opportunity to grow, to change and become more Christlike" (Page 170)

Grown-Up Girlfriends Chapters 8

Hey Guys~

It's hard to believe it is March already. Based on the weather outside my window, you would think it was December. That's right; there's snow on the ground in Virginia. Yet, sunshine still manages to peak its way through the clouds. It's picturesque scenes like these that make me just stop to marvel in awe of God's beautiful landscape. The year 2009 has just started, but I have already learned so much -about myself as well as personal care agencies here. Have you ever felt like that? It's almost gotten to the point where I would like things to go right for once. But I know through it all, I am growing into the woman God wants me to be.

Botox seems to be going okay for me. It's only been a week and I have seen improvements in my reach and abilities-that's even without therapy. My mom is still trying to find one in our area. The doctor suggested I go for occupational therapy twice a week. So I don't think it's going to be as difficult as before. Please continue to pray that I continue to improve..

Now, onto today's post.. Over the last few weeks, I have continued my analysis of the book entitled Grown-Up Girlfriends by Erin Smalley and Carrie Oliver. I hope you have found that insight I have posted from the book as enlightening as I have. This week, I intend on concluding the series with notes from the last four chapters. As I am sure you've noticed, the authors also place an important emphasis on the developing Christian friendships can impact one's life. Chapters 8 focus on the importance that forgiveness plays in maintaining healthy relationship. On Wednesday, I will continue with Chapter 9-on overcoming destructive relationships. These are the
relationships that have played a role in developing your personality in a negative manner.

Notes on Chapter 8-A Grown-Up Friend Forgives

"A friendship will never be the same when true forgiveness is experienced; it will deepen and and grow at levels never before experienced". (Page 132)

The Biblical Stance on Forgiveness

-See Colossians 3: 13

-True forgiveness starts with a grounded relationship with God. Accepting and acknowledging our weaknesses

-Forgiveness is a choice, not based on our emotions. However it is founded on "compassion and grace" (Page 134)

-As Christ did with the Samaritan Woman, we should be willing to discuss each other's short comings in a effort to become the woman God created us be. But do it in love. John 4: 4-30

-Try to look at things from their perspective. Realize at some point, the roles may be reversed.

-Remember that our friends can't supply for our every need. Only God can

-Forgiveness cannot happen overnight!

-Forgiveness requires: 1) a heart of repentance. 2) acceptance of one's behavior, not blaming your friend for your mistakes. 3) reconciliation is an agreement that things have to change- "the things will be different". (Page 141)

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Notes taken from the book "Grown-Up Girlfriends: Finding and Keeping Real Friends In the Real World" by Erin Smalley and Carrie Oliver

Grown-up Girlfriends: Chapters 6-7

Everyone~

Okay, so here's the deal. I haven't received any feedback on my continuing Grown-up Girlfriends series; as a result, I have decided to finish what I started. Besides, learning how to maintain friendships is a important skill-friends will always be around even when your parents won't be. This subject applies to everyone, not just the disabled community.. but first, let me explain what's going to happen this week. I am going in for Botox tomorrow. For that reason, I may not be posting as usual. I've had Botox before but it was a long time ago; so, I don't exactly remember how much pain the treatment will cause. This time, I am getting my wrists and arms done.

Anyway, I am going to do my best in terms of posting on my blog a day in advance and set it up to publish itself. But I am not making any promises. The next few weeks are probably going to be full of intense therapy sessions and such. Still, I am very hopeful. If the therapy can make my hands straight enough to wear rings, or drive my wheelchair using my joystick, or simply dial my cell phone, that would be an accomplishment. Keep your fingers crossed or say a prayer if you feel inclined.. thanks !

Now, onto today's post..

Chapter 6: The Grown-Up Girlfriend Embraces Differences

1) Acknowledge our differences and accept them; the fact is, that our differences are what attracts us to each in the first place.

2) Too often we feel the need to create our friends into what we think they should be, try to let this go. Realize that God created your friend this way for a reason.

3) Everyone has different personalities

-are you a introvert or extrovert? Introvert get their energy from being alone, while extroverts get their energy from being around people and doing activities.

-Dreamers Versus Detaliers? Dreamers like to make plans for the future whether or not they come true. Detailers like to make plans for today and live in the present.

-Structure or not? Some people like to use planners to organize their day while others find joy in living life spontaneously.

-Feelers Versus Thinkers? Traditionally, women are led by their feelings when making decisions. Occasionally, though, there are those who like to take some time before making decisions. This can cause conflict because the feelers often take this personally

4) Why are we so different?

-We are so different because we are uniquely created by God.

-The conflicts in friendships make us fully appreciate and reflect on God's love.

-Being in a friendship full of differences gives us a unique opportunity to develop some of those qualities in our own lives

-When we understand each other's differences, we are more likely to adapt our expectations and avoid conflict.

5) Remembering the biblical purpose of differences

-Read Romans 12:4-5

-Not everyone can be the same. They each have to fulfill their purpose.

Chapter 7: The Grown-up Girlfriend Connects by Communicating

1) The power of words can be used twofold; Words can bless people, but they can also do irreversible damage. That's why you shouldn't be careful.

2) Some important Questions To Consider

-"Are we willing to take responsibility for our words and learn methods to clean up our messes?"(Page 105)

-"Are we willing to be committed to seeking Christ's discernment about if and when we need to communicate our pain to others?"(Page 105)

- "When others fail us, are we willing to forgive and begin the journey of healing our hearts?" (Page 105)

-"As a grown-up friends, are we willing to make the choice to learn adult communication skills and not to stick to the methods we learned from our families or in junior high school?" (Page 106)

3) Are you a Safe Friend?

-a look at the negative impact of words.. "Gossip can poison our perceptions of another person ." (Page 112)

-besides criticism, here are some characteristics that can lead to negative thinking between friends-critical thinking, competing, blaming, unwillingness to confront, jealousy etc.

4) Creating a Safe Environment For Friends?

-"Honor your friend" -appreciate their value in your life (Page 118)

-"Recognize when your fear buttons have been pushed" (Page 118)

-"Be willing To Forgive" (Page 118)

-"Speak Life into Your Friends"-be positive in your relationships, uplift rather than tear down your friends (Page 119)

-"Avoid escalation" -try to stop all negative behavior (Page 119)

-"Create ground rules in the relationship"-these are boundaries that you both will follow regarding behavior, ideas of trust and intimacy (Page 119)

5) As a Grown-up friends, we must be willing to confront the real issues

6) Be a good listener

7) "A Grown-up friend is aware of negative beliefs and gives her friend the benefit of the doubt" (Page 125)

8) "A Grown-up Friend Takes Responsibility"(Page 128)

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Notes taken from the book "Grown-Up Girlfriends: Finding and Keeping Real Friends In the Real World" by Erin Smalley and Carrie Oliver

The Continuation Of Grown-Up Girlfriends.

Everyone,

As I mentioned earlier, I recently realized that I had forgotten to pursue the rest of my book review on Grown-up Girlfriends. You may remember this book is about the importance of maintaining and sustaining friendships in real life. I have already covered subjects such as:

1.) The Purpose Of Friendship

2.) The Challenges In Creating Friendships-these can be both internal and external. Although, most of the time we create them ourselves.

3.) We must be committed to knowing God and becoming the women God wants us to be.

4.) The Characteristics of Grown-Up Friendships. Knowing its purpose is important

a. takes the focus of you

b. gives us hope for the future

c. May reduce feelings of rejection

5.) Learning that every relationship has different levels of intimacy. We give and receive different amounts of information, depending on the level of trust.

a. Some friendships are for fun; they primarily share opinions and common interests.

b. Others have the opportunity to go deeper, sharing our hopes and fears for the future.

c. It is important to note that not all friends are at the same level. It is like that for a purpose. They fulfill a need that God created.

These are the main points from chapters 1-3; today, I will continue with chapters 4 and 5 in a effort to finish up the book. Feel free to e-mail me with opinions about these posts, so that I know whether to continue it.

In chapter 4, we learn that the "grown-up girlfriend" is committed to knowing herself.
Ask yourself these questions: What is The Status of Your Heart? Is it Open and Closed? If you have had hurtful experiences in friendships, it is possible that you may have close your heart. Contrary to popular opinion, love is not just a feeling; it is a choice biblically founded. See Mark 12:28-31.

It has also important to note that we are not capable of generating this love ourselves . It comes from God. See I John 4:7-8, 18-19.

If your heart is closed:

1) Acknowledge that and gave your heart time to process what you are feeling.

2) Seek God for guidance; ask God to change your heart. See 1 John 4:7-21

How does our heart gets closed? It is important to note what motivates us and "pushes our buttons" Believe it or not, fear often causes our heart to close. I'm not talking about physical fear fear, but the emotional ones. Fear of being rejected and abandoned by a friend to name a few. Knowing this about ourselves has the potential for a deeper understanding and stops a negative reaction and a chain reaction to others.

Some negative impacts of fear are:

1) Because of fear, we talk about the surface issues rather than the "real" ones

2) Because of fear, our initial choice is to react instead of respond to that conflict. Take for example, the biblical example of Genesis 3: 10

3) This fear can create a co-dapendency. At this time, our focus is more on what our friend should do, leaving us feeling helpless. Therefore, we often feel the need to "manipulate" the situation.

The flip side to fear and its chain reactions to friends-and sometimes keeps us communicating even when we don't want to!

In chapter 5, the grown-up friend learns how to set and maintain boundaries

What exactly are boundaries? See Mark 12: 30-31

This means honoring both your heart and the heart of your friend

Emotional Boundaries

When it comes to emotional boundaries, most people fit into one of two categories. They either let their emotions control them or are "emotionally stuck".

Having healthy emotional boundaries prevents us from becoming "overly involved" and emotional in a situation.

So where do you fit in? Ask your friends for feedback

Having healthy boundaries also ensure healthy expectations on the friendship for both parties.

These boundaries often remind us our "unique identity" as a woman. We each are different and should not conform to the habits or views of others

Well, that's about it for chapters 4 and 5. Let me know what you think.. Should I continue writing down the important points from this book or should I move on to Patrick Henry's "I Am Potential". Your feedback is appreciated.

*Despite the fact that this book is primarily for girls, I believe many of these concepts can be applied to other relationships.

-- -- -- -- --

Notes taken from the book "Grown-Up Girlfriends: Finding and Keeping Real Friends In the Real World" by Erin Smalley and Carrie Oliver

This week..

Dear Readers,

My apologies for not posting at all this last week. It passed in a whirlwind, as a lot was going on around our house. First, a good friend of mine came to visit me from Michigan. It was a good time for me, considering we hadn't really seen each other in nine months. It's always amazing to me how some friendships can pick up right where they left off like no time had passed. However, in some small way, I can't help but feel things have changed.

I know we are each are growing up to be that the woman God wants us to become. It's just happening for us in different ways and at different times. This friendship challenges me in many different ways. On the one hand, I look at her and question my own faith. After all, she is so outspoken and knows who she is in her relationship with God. Me? I am more soft-spoken when it comes to matters of the heart. I've always been that -that's the way God created me. Still,, I can't help but wonder whether I'm doing things right. I have too remind myself that God can still use me. It's not MY JOB to change someone's life. It's God's stirring on someone's heart; he's just using me as an example of how a life can change. Sometimes, it's even a positive to show that people make mistakes-that way it shows that anything is possible.

During the week, I also trained my second personal assistant. It's been quite a adjustment, getting used to someone in my apartment for a long periods of time. I can't get much done writing wise. You see, I'm kind of used to people coming and going in my apartment back where I used to live. They don't do it that way here.

Anyway, I have some interesting surprises coming up next week. Stay tuned

Grown-up Girlfriends Part 4

Okay,

In this chapter, we learn that every relationship is different. For each relationship, we achieve different levels of intimacy. The levels of intimacy are:

· Cliques
· Facts
· Opinions
· hopes and dreams
· feelings
· faults, failures and fears
· legitimate needs

Reading further, I learn that not all friends are on the same level. Nor should they be. Each relationship can serve different purposes for different people. The more intimate levels are harder to maintain, but more substantial.

To be more clear, the authors used the basket analogy to illustrate. Putting all friendships in one basket makes the relationship too stressful for both of you. Also, it doesn't give the friendship a chance to shine. Because you are too busy trying to make everything perfect. For example, I will highlight the most intimate stages of friendships. Baskets one and two.

In basket two, you have five to twenty friends . You talk beyond the surface with these friends. You share opinions and facts, often moving between levels.

Basket one holds one to four friends . These are your closest friends. You share your hopes and dreams. These are your friends of the heart; although they require the most time and trust, they are the most rewarding.

Grown-up girlfriends, part three.. Chapters 2

Okay,

So I know it's been awhile since my last "Grown-up Girlfriends" notes. I haven't really had time to read the book, let alone write notes from it. So much so that I'm afraid I have forgotten all of the lessons I have learned from it far. That being said, here are just some of my notes on chapter 2 and 3 of the book.

• What are characteristics of "Grown-Up Friendships"?
  


• People who encourage us to grow in our faith- to be more like Jesus
  I Corinthians 13: 11
  Galatians 5: 22 - 24
  


• To do this, we must accept two premises:we must take seriously the goal of becoming stronger and wiser in Christ.second, we must learn to recognize the same characteristics of a growing Christian in other people


• Some specific characteristics of a grown-up friend
  deep trust, someone who can look at your heart
  someone who can speak the truth in love
  this means that she is able to work through problems, not around them


• it is important to remember the purpose in every one of your grown-up friendships. On page 29 of the book, the authors quote Christian motivational Speaker, Rick Warren as saying, "focusing on yourself will never reveal your real purpose. You were made by God and for God, and until you understand that your life will never make sense. Only in God do we discover our orgin, our identity, our meaning, our purpose, our significance and our destiny"


• Recognizing the purpose of every relationship, has its benefits
  1. It takes the focus off you. It's more about what God is doing through you
  2. It can reduce feelings of rejection in the friendship
  3. It can bring hope and meaning into the relationship, this is especially helpful when the hard times roll around.


• That being said, pay attention and actively listen to your friends, your purpose may be revealed in a conversation. You never know how your presence is being used at that moment to be of encouragement and comfort
• God is in control- recognizing this makes it easier for us to realize that in everything we see, we should see him. Likewise, our friend should be able to look at us and see Christ.
• In creating grown-up friendships, it does reduce the possibility of rejection. Why? Because we have to take responsibility for our own well-being and emotional health rather than relying on our friend to provide it for us.
• Ultimately, our purpose should be to glorify God in everything that we do. If we realize this, every friendship should have a goal. Focusing on God instead of ourselves
• One last comment on chapter 2 on page 36: the grown-up friend honors God by encouraging her friend to become all He wants her to be

Grown-up friendships Part 2

Hey,

Here are part two of my notes on Chapter 1. These notes focus on the challenges humans face in creating friendships

Challenges to building friendships
· life transitions, changes: on the one hand, this is the worst time to make friends. On the other hand, this is the time you need them the most. Find people in similar situations like yours. You may be able to learn from them and their experiences.
· Personality- the level at which someone connects with others. For some, this may come easier than most. Here are some hints towards overcoming this difficulty: attend groups that break down into smaller groups (this allows for a more personal interaction), be open, use your friends circle of friends as a starting point (this takes the stress of you to introduce yourself), ask questions to keep the conversation going.
· Sticking to our comfort zone- On page 18, the author analyzes the problem with having un-flexible comfort zones .She says, "The problem with our comfort zones here on earth is that they are narrow, limiting, and growth inhibiting. They prevent us from becoming more like Christ and discovering some of the gifts-such as unexpected friends-that He has for us when we risk being uncomfortable." Be open to new situations. You never know what blessings God might have in store for you
· Busyness

* the Different Seasons of Life*

A season of loneliness sometimes is meant to teach us things. For example, being lonely may teach a reliance on God instead of ourselves.

The purpose of friendships

Okay,

As promised, here are some of my notes from Chapter 1 of the book. Keep in mind, these are brief and important points in my view. Different points mean different things to different people, so I would suggest buying the book if my observations at all interest you. It certainly has brought to light a lot of things in my friendships.

Anyway, here we go..

Important Notes On Grown-Up Girlfriend

We need friendships because..

• We are created for connectiona.
• Men's Versus Women's Role
• it is different
• Men take care of garden and animals; women are in charge of child rearing and being a companion (Genesis 2: 19- 23, 3: 16
• i. Women crave interactions
• i. The scientific need for friendships
• can lead to longer life
• better odds at surviving medical events
• less chance of developing respiratory problems or cancer
• less chance of developing depression

Friendships that matter

Everyone,

I have recently begun reading a book called Grown-up girlfriends by Carrie and Erin. I find the book so intriguing that I have decided to make a series out of it. I wish I could say I would have a scheduled reading and reflection posts. Since I have a busy life, this may be more difficult than I imagine. But I am willing to give it a try.

The first installment is today's post. As a introduction to the series, I will give you a little background on the book and its purpose. The book is written by Erin Smalley and Carrie Oliver- too real grown-up girlfriends. According to Amazon.com, it says: "Even when life is hectic and harried, every woman has a God-given longing for relationship, and her female friends play an important role in filling that. Oliver and Smalley help women distinguish between self-centered, insecure, childish relationships and other-centered, healthy, "grown-up" relationships. Using personal anecdotes and scriptural principles, they explain ten characteristics of a grown-up friend and offer ideas on how readers can develop these attributes in themselves. Finally, they tackle the tough issues of friendships, such as how to support a friend in crisis, how to work toward forgiveness when a friend has injured you, and how to determine when it is best to let a friendship go."

But from what I can tell, the book is this and so much more. These are just some of the topics covered in this book:


1.identify potential soul-mate friends
2. mentor others
3. set healthy boundaries
4.resolve conflicts constructively
5. support a friend in crisis
6. practice healthy forgiveness and reconciliation
7. let go of destructive friendships . . . or avoid them altogether

See you next time when I cover "defining grown-up girlfriends and their purpose".

From now on, any post entitled grown-up girlfriends is part of the series. Feel free to follow along. Who knows if I get enough of a response, I might start a discussion group.